I am at this going away party for a coworker buddy of mine. Most of the people there I don’t like. It’s not that I dislike them, I just do like them either. They are good people, but something about them, just doesn’t appeal to me, in fact it slightly annoys me. I have been going to parties recently. I don’t like big parties. I like them if I’m drunk, but I’m cutting back drinking, so its very different. There is the chit-chat, I think this is how I separate people I like, from people I don’t, well besides those I have moral issues with. The whole “Oh, I don’t know if I should make out with…” drama. Or the guy who wants to ask a girl out but doesn’t, but still talks about it. We’re adults, I did my time in high-school, enough with the angst.

I’m good with people, but I don’t like being “around” them often, I can’t stand when people are posturing, posing, exhibited pure bad faith in their existence. There are often times when out on these things, where I can’t wait to go home and spend time with a good book, this is where I am guilty of bad faith, I admit it.  The other thing is, because this is an internship, and because of that people leave. All my close friends I made here have left, except one. My bros (well two of them were female, pals maybe should be used instead, gender neutral) are gone. Going out with them drinking was fun, we’d talk about sports, politics, philosophy, tell funny stories, and none of it was to show off, or if it was, it wasn’t to impress, but to share, like wow isn’t this awesome, pride not huburis, there was no trying to make anyone feel inferior, it was all just relaxed, topics lead into each other. They were cool. The people left, here in our office, are too self conscious, and all but two of them make it up by putting the I’m better than you self defense mechanism. The type of people who if you were asked, if you never heard back from, of never met so and so, but nothing bad happened to them, would you feel like you life lost something, you’d answer no, you wouldn’t want to answer that way, but in all honesty it’s how you’d feel.
I find it interesting, how someone can be a good person, but you just don’t like them. Mind you I’ve been of both ends of this, maybe Goethe had it right with elective affinities.  What am I doing here at this event? I walk around, and I ask myself this question. Of course it is to say goodbye to a friend, but afterwards we leave the group, and it’s the angsty trio and me. I always stay to the end of a party, out of some sort of mixture of obligation, and the sense of peculiar pride you get, to witnessing an event in its enteriety. I’ve been soaking wet at sports events, stayed through movies so bad, I wish my eyes and ears would fail me. I’ve finished awful meals. I’ve downed what ever new beer I ordered, and hated every taste and aroma of that particular brew. Why do we do this, is out time that worthless to us?
Let me explain the trio a bit more in depth. This guy, let’s call him Josh who isn’t bad, but nobody likes. He’s the type of guy, people who’ve known him, say, he’s an ass, not in a good way, like boy he’s fun, does crazy stuff, no just stuffy. He is a fun vacuum. You can here the swoosh, like an airlock, of fun just being swept away. Next to him are his two fans. Both are nice girls, let’s call them Natalie and Brooke, but they act so high school. Natalie is as sweet as can be, but sometimes it is so naive, it gets to you. Brooke is fun, but she is just a little to over emotional. She wants to be hot so bad, you can tell it. You see girls like that all the time, nice onces who aren’t the prettiest, but if they stopped caring about it would be more attractive. I’ve been attracted hard to average girls, even those a little under, and it was because of their personality, confidence, intelligence, wit and just being cool. Natalie just needs to grow up a little.
 I feel bad for Josh though. He’s so awkward, he’s smart, but he feels he needs to pretend he is smarter than he is. I remember once he organized a get together at a pub, and no one else came. I stayed, and we talked hockey, and he stopped trying when there wasn’t an audience, that’s a guy who could get dates, who people would hang out with. He’s the guy that a lot of us, talk about negatively, but never too much, cause we feel so bad for the guy. Pathos is a hell of thing. I guess I want to make him feel like a bro, one of the guys, and figure he see that, maybe he can stop hiding behind, his credentials, and realise it’s okay to be. He’s been good to me to. I just wish he could relax.
I guess what it is, there isn’t any…perspective in them. I had a tough life for a while, and I’m thankful for it, it made me mature. I’ve known other people who went to prep school, who also have that sense of maturity, don’t sweat the small stuff realization. I think if I had had it easy, I would have easily been like Josh, I defiently used to be at one point.  People need to care less about so many things, and care more about actual important ones. They need to stop posturing, and just relax into themselves. It’s the best way to get women, to make friends, and to live without some unnecessary load on your back.

I’ve been away from this blog for a while, life has changed for me. I questioned why was I writing this, and was the prior content worth reading. I’ve decided to make some changes, a clean slate. This is an anonymous blog, and I realized, I can use that. Not to harm people, but to air those thoughts, which I am sure are common, but for whatever reason we don’t say aloud. To maybe discuss, why we do things in our lives, we don’t really want to, nor do we believe in. To question, to be honest in a new way, for our age. To integrate big ideas, like philosophy and science, into our daily lives.

I hope you all enjoy this, and feel free to comment, to criticize.  Let’s start a discussion about life, let’s apply those big ideas, to our everyday. Let’s not be afraid to mix high and low cultrle, the personal, poltical and philsophical, the epic and the ennui, it’s all part of the same story.


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